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Got a hangover


simonh1
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1 star hangover *

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and

 

when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You

 

are still to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those

 

vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as

parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving Cheeseburger and a side

of fries.

 

2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have

the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to

try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,which is

craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about

the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you

really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the

net and writing junk e-mails.

 

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and

not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her

perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your

alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 2:45 a.m. Life would

be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a

litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of

water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

 

4 star hangover * * * *

 

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't

 

speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted

you for

 

being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice

clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either

missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up

on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have

their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and

 

your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class

picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -

Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you

could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small

children in the street just by walking past them.

 

5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and

making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your

mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate

saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the

last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right

now.Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that

your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in

sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very

gently.

 

6 star hangover * * * * * *

 

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were

 

fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about an hours sleep until

the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been

cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter

what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now

find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the

skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find

the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you

spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of

walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the

only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to

make the walrus noises and spitting periodically. Help usually comes at this

stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your

abdomen hurts. Help now turns into

 

abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back

to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that

you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your

tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and

you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb

into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits

of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a

shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an

option.

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you b*stards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you b*stards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Just as the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

_________________

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Offensive World Records.

 

 

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out

of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

 

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches

from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

 

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without

preparation, completely insert a lubricated

American football into her vagina.

 

ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,

squeezed a zit and projected a detectable

amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

 

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage

and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen

ontheir wedding night and consists of a small amount of

still-warm very recently attained bull semen.

It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

 

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York.

It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of

French mustard and a dash of lime.

It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused)

instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cnut Pump'.

 

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'

amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the

greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of

ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

 

LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who,

produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12

mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender

is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

 

MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart

for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

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