Dean-o Posted October 19, 2002 Share Posted October 19, 2002 Pet Care How to give your cat a pill: 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding ababy. Position right forefingerand thumb on either side of cat's mouth andgently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As catopens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left armand repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear pawstightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth withright fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrearpaws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmlywith one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down rulerand rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouthopen with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpetwith cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elasticband. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress tocheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compressto cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away andfetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little b@*%$#d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine andbind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves fromshed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be roughabout it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to washpill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergencyroom, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local petshop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill: 1) Wrap it in cheese! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redsquirrel Posted October 19, 2002 Share Posted October 19, 2002 That cat one was used on the radio for umm Cat dental treatment or something? little while ago now.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Posted October 19, 2002 Share Posted October 19, 2002 Nice one mate, made me laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simonh1 Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Funny as fook........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mk6 Si Ross Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 I hate cats, we should have a national cat cull, they`re ignorant b*stards!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dean-o Posted October 20, 2002 Author Share Posted October 20, 2002 cant stand the fcuking thingsespecially wen they sit on me car i get mad a fcuk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobRS1300 Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 i like cats, i've got 4 of them, and that is so true about feeding them a pill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion Si Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 i hate cats. they are uselees, at least you can walk a dog and it SOMETIMES listens to you. well it listens to you more than the girlfriend/wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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