Jokes of the day

[simonh1]

International Technique

 

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my

girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She

floatsa 6 inches abova the bed in ecstasy".

 

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze

love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick

ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze

bed in pure ecstasy".

 

The Irishman says, "that's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me

bord, I get out of the bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the

curtain. She hits the fockin' roof !!!!!!!

 

A lady is in a confession booth. She says to the priest, ''Father, I think my husband is a son of a bitch.''

Baffled, the priest asks why she thinks that. She replies, ''Well...he kisses me.''

 

So the priest goes over to her side and kisses her. He goes back to his side and says, ''See, I kissed you and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

 

She replies, ''Yes..but he...feels me.''

 

So the priest goes over and proceeds to feel her.

 

He goes back and says, ''But I felt you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

 

The lady replies, ''But..he...you know..does it with me.''

 

So the priest goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the priest says, ''But I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

 

The lady says,''Yes, but Father, my husband has AIDS.'' And the priest says, ''SON OF A BITCH!''

 

 

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet.''

So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.

When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ''thing.'' The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and ''it'' grew at least two feet. The woman said ''Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to.'' So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.

The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ''How was it?''

The wife replied, ''Great!''

The man said, ''Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''

 

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

 

This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.

 

Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."

 

That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

 

 

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

 

She says, "A hundred dollars."

 

He says, "Shite. All I've got is thirty."

 

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

 

Harry says, "A handjob."

 

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

 

He says, "Okay."

 

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.

 

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

 

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

 

NOTTINGHAM JOKE

 

Has anyone heard about the new Fairy Liquid advert they're filming in St.Anns ? ? ?

 

Mummy mummy, why are your hands so soft ? ? ?

I'm only fuckin 13 ! ! !

 

 

 

 

DID YOU KNOW?

 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

 

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

 

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with cloth or piece of wood at all times.

 

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

 

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

 

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

[Wez]

some good ones there mate, and some very interesting points!

[Dean-o]

ive just got round to reading these

classic mate

[Orion Si]

i liked the alien one, but they are all very funny m8

[Al]

Good mate!!!!!

[sortedford]