Jokes.........

[simonh1]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference

between potentially and realistically?"

 

The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

 

Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars.

 

Come back and tell me what you have learned."

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert

Redford for a million dollars?"

 

The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity

like that."

 

The boy then went to his sister and said "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt

for a million dollars?"

 

The girl replied "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts

to pass up that opportunity!!".

 

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his

dad.

 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential

and realistic?"

 

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,

but realistically we're living with two slappers."

 

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

 

 

 

 

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in

business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new

manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was

great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But

at

the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different

about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"

came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of

the

office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the

first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything

different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young

man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he

seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the

young

man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How

in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his

chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear

glasses with no f**king ears

 

 

 

[simonh1]

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he

tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you"

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom".

 

"Be strong, honey. I love you too."

[furry]

pmsl

[simonh1]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Spurs fan.

 

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans.

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

 

"Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

 

"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Arsenal fan?"

 

"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is a Arsenal fan and my dad is a Arsenal fan, so I'm a Arsenal fan too!"

 

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

 

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[furry]

stop it, i'd just stopped laughing from the last 2!!!

[simonh1]

LOL..................

[simonh1]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a

> McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him

> because he was so honest and funny!

> NAME: Greg Bulmash

> Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

>

> DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,

> whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be

> applying here in the first place.

>

> DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz

style

> severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can

haggle.

>

> EDUCATION: Yes.

>

> LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

>

> SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

>

> MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

> post-it notes.

>

> REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

>

> HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

>

> PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

>

> DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more

> intimate environment.

>

> MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

>

> DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING

UP

> TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

>

> DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

"Do

> you have a car that runs?"

>

> HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a

> winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

>

> DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

>

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with

a

> fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the

greatest

> thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

>

> DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR

> KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

>

> SIGN HERE: Aries.

[simonh1]

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom

floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the

splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her

husband Jacko.

"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in.

"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy

girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do

it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"

"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under

her"

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with

her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide

her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.

[simonh1]

a man is selling his 1.2 litre nova spin and basically its a pile of Shite bo one wants to but it but it has a great selling point and voice activated stereo. anyway another buyer comes along along to look at the swish motor and at the look of the rusty arches decides he too doesn't want it! the seller is desperate now to sell his car and pleades with the buyer about the voice activated stereo 'look' he says 'if i say garage the artful dodger come on and if i say dance then lasgo come on' at this the buyer is amazed and straight away buys the motor. driving home he sees a group of kids up the round one of them has a water pistol and as it was summer the bloke in the car has his windows down. the kid squirts the water pistol through the car window which soaks the man he rares up at the kids and shouts ' fooking kids' instantle the voice activated stereo comes on and out blasts Gary glitter

[Colin]

Mummy, make him stop, i can't breath from laughing............

[Wez]

they are great.

[sime73]

whats the difference between illegal immigrants and sperm ?

 

 

 

 

nothing, thousands get in and only one works

[Natalie]

 

A man went down to hell and was greeted by the devil. The man saw three doors in front of him and turned to the devil and asked 'what are those doors for?'.

 

The devil replied 'behind those doors are three long corridors, you have to choose which one you want to spend the rest of eternity in!'

 

the man replies 'ok, but can I have a look at them first?'

 

'No problem' replied the devil.

 

So the first door was opened and there infront of him was a long corridor with a wooden floor with everyone doing head stands. the man thought to himself, bit hard on the head, 'can I see the next one?'

 

The next one was a long corridor with a concerete floor with people doing head stands. 'mmm' he thought 'a bit harder on the head, can I see the next one?'

 

The next one was a long corridor with everyone knee deep in Shite eating tea and cakes. He thought to himself 'I can get used to the smell, stood up eating tea and cakes all day, what a life' and with that he turns to the devil and says' this one will be suitable' and walks in.

 

10 minutes later the devil comes in....'RIGHT LADS BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!'