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NTL.....customer services!


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Had a problem with a bill recently, and i just can't get through to the arseholes.I'm not the only one with a problem with them it seems, please read;


Below is a "genuine" (allegedly) letter to NTL about their services,



Dear Cretins,


I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up

for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of

service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as

ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to

provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your

professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or

more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining

reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and

drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.


My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,

resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse

waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all,

I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold

music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to

look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to

some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an

activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -

such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.


Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several

further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my

modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and

begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly

35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,

Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.


I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9

telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have

been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested

individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled Ball jugglers.


I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows

whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a

telephone line is

available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me

that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone

who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been

redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several

other variations on this theme.


Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at

least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also

another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend

to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to

voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending

hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.


I thought BT were Shite, that they had attained the holy Pee-pot of

god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be

more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering

service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,

well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore

was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and

disappointment what a useless shower of b*stards you truly are. You

are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum-incompetents of the

highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like

brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your

seemingly limitless inadequacy.


Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy

quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do

likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment

from me for the services which you have so pointedly and

catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be

greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these

feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a

small measure of bemused rage.


I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats

litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for

both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have

not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist

at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment

if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and

it's worthless employees.


Have a nice day



May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly

incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,


Yours justifiably psychotically,


Xxxx Xxxxxxx

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