Friday joke

[Chrissyboy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

[sortedford]

oh dear mate

 

 

Ian

[sortedford]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

 

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I´ll give you some cream to put on it."

 

"Doc, I can´t stop singing the green green grass of home."

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It´s not unusual."

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you´re nuts."

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog´s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let´s have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I´m going to have to put him down."

What? Because he´s cross-eyed? "

"No, because he´s really heavy"

 

Guy goes into the doctor´s.

"Doc, I´ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside

"How´s that?"

"Don´t you start"

 

"Doctor, I can´t pronounce my F´s, T´s and H´s."

"Well you can´t say fairer than that then"

 

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog´s died.´"

 

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

´Who´s

speaking please?´

And a voice said ´You are.´"

 

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ´Is that the local

swimming baths?´

He said ´It depends where you´re calling from.´"

 

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said ´I want a skip outside my

house.

´He said ´I´m not stopping you.´

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It´s either my mum or my

dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I

think it´s Colin.

 

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said ´You´ve been promoted.´ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second

time and said "You´ve been promoted again.´ And I swerved again. He

rang up a third time and said ´You´re managing director.´ And I went

into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said ´What happened to you?´

And I said ´I careered off the road.

 

Now, most dentist´s chairs go up and down, don´t they? The one I was in

went back and forwards.I thought ´This is unusual´. And the dentist said

to me

´Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.´

 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me

a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world´s your oyster, go for

it.´

 

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

 

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste

funny to you?"

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the

other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They

left a little note on the windscreen, it said ´Parking Fine.´ So that

was nice."

 

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven´t seen you in

a long time "

The man replied "I know I´ve been ill"

 

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I´ve hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said "well don´t go there any more"

 

I had a ploughman´s lunch the other day. He wasn´t very happy.

 

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect

from a cross-breed.

 

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both

got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.

So we decided we´d take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn´t find

any.

 

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It´s costing me 6p a month for the

next 2 years.

 

-compliments of Furry

 

 

Ian

[Al]

That gave me a chuckle Quality!!

[900ss]

Chris that was a scream

[RobRS1300]

There good ones